by Chris Nau

I take a long sigh of relief as I crash into my freshly made bed. School
was long today, and I have plenty of work to keep me busy for the whole day,
maybe longer. It’s times like these, when I am on the verge of collapse, that he
shows up, makes life a little more painful, and a little more interesting.
“What should we discuss today: morality, religion, or something more personal?
An idle mind can no longer learn.”
“I didn’t think you’d want to discuss something so early.” I lean back into the chair near my
room’s desk, “I don’t think I’m in the mood today, maybe later?”
“Oh c’mon it’ll be fun. We both know you aren’t gonna start the homework til tonight or
tomorrow, so let’s chat.”
I try to ignore him. “What is there to discuss? We pretty much went over all of my
problems and flaws I know of, yet am unable to change.”
“Because you don’t want to change.”
“No, because I don’t think I have to.”
“What’s the difference? Saying “I think” or “I don’t know” doesn’t make you wise,
and if anything is a non-statement, it means nothing.”
I’m starting to get emotional. Stay focused, he’ll only leave or give
up on his terms. “I said that because, despite how I view myself, I am content
with who I am.”
“That’s a load of bullshit. You should only be content with yourself
when you are truly happy, and you, my friend, are not happy. You are numb at best,
and depressed at worst. The weight of your own self doubt, anxiety, and fear
threatens to smother you, yet you do nothing. If anything you are content to not change.”
He’s right, but that was kind of out of line. I feel on fire, and I snap
back, “If I try to change, I could fail to do so and become worse than I was
before. This version of me is fine, not much room to change into something better,
only something worse.”
“Why do you consider changing as a negative? Only because there is a
risk of becoming worse?”
“”Well, yeah.”
“So, let’s say, hypothetically, that everytime you did change yourself,
it was for the better. That regardless of what you did, it was always “good”.
Would you be happy?”
“Of course.” I realize that my guide here is trying to lead me
somewhere. While I don’t fully feel like following him around today, he
seems very keen to direct my attention to something, here, in the world of
knowledge he resides in.

“And would you say that, eventually, you would change into someone
who might be “perfect”? That is to say, that if you changed for the better all
the time, then eventually you would change into the perfect being, as that
would always be better than not being the perfect being.
” I’ll play along, following the sheep into the wolf’s den and see what
hides within. “Logically, yes. Changing for the better means that I’m getting
better. What’s wrong with being perfect? Isn’t that what drives us?”
“Yes, the pursuit of perfection is something we share, but we should
never aim to truly be perfect.”
And like a skyscraper crashing down, what I thought I knew
about myself is destroyed and the debris begins falling into place, creating
something greater and stronger than before.
Being perfect
“implies there is no more room to grow, not more room to improve”
no more potential, no flaws
“no ambitions”, no ‘me’. “We can’t be perfect”, because it doesn’t exist.
We should aim to be the best version of ourselves, ever-changing,
failing, and trying again.
Because we aren’t perfect, we have infinite room to grow. We can
be good at an infinite amount of skills, and with that we have an infinite amount
of tries, “until our time runs out.”
Yes, until our time runs out. Which is why we can’t be afraid
of change, since we don’t have the time to do so.
I am imperfect.
That’s what makes us perfect.